what the fuck.

what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck.

go away.

i walked into the room dripping in gold

this is all too fast. everything. im done with school for now? how did that happen.

i feel as though things will be better once you're back in school. our time will be more precious and of course ill have no excuse not to pick you up and drive you. ill spend my days with a lack of rigidity and you'll be committed to your studies.

maybe the time to myself during the day will be nice. ill be more productive than i already am. how will this affect my friendships though? everyone will still be in school while im not. i can see them not having time for me. maybe that is just what i need. someone to not have time for me.

these nights turned mornings by six am must stop, they are slowly driving me mad.

yeah staying here is just not what we need...

i've never wanted to get out of here so badly. my skin is itching. my mood is shit. will it get better? but really.

so many excuses, convenient.. really it is.

this is how trapped i feel. one step forward and ten steps back.

all i wanted to do was leave last night. not show up. not go. you couldn't see that though, could you?

i didn't even stand with people i knew. i stood alone in that fucking crowd feeling like hell. like merely being in that building was betrayal.

when you're traveling its better that way.

i really cannot wait to leave this state for a few days. i half considered leaving my phone at home. we'll see, wont we.

you say i never write about you

well here it is. i put down everything that i needed to get done in order to write. in order to clear my head. lets fucking face it, i wont be able to sleep. this isn't really a night different from any other night.

i poured myself a glass of bourbon, neat. the way i take it. no bullshit. no skirting around the substance at hand. just how it comes. the way it was meant to come. all by itself.

i think the thing that hurts the most is feeling that someone else and their plans were made a priority over the plans that we had already made. already secured. a done deal. didn't we already do that negotiation thing? were negotiations not already had? you get to fly home on my dollar while i drive across the country on my own time alone.
to follow this up, the constant misinterpretation of my words? goddammit. i know you're better than this. look past that for one fucking second. did i not make myself clear upon explanation of my rational behind those words? i probably cant blame you... i shouldn't blame you. you're no different than anyone else in terms of assuming the worst. assume i'll jump. maybe i'll jump.
if you didn't want to go you didn't have to agree to go. all you had to say was no. i feel as though i am being blamed for your money problems. i mean its not as though you pay for everything every time we go somewhere or do something. i don't generally complain, maybe i should. do you want to know my monetary plight? i guarantee you have nothing to bitch about.
you really made it sound like you were doing me a favor by going on this trip. having a place to stay. you said this was to be a graduation trip. does the word trip not imply travel together? to make a journey. what kind of a fucking journey is it when you meet somewhere. is that worth the trip for you? to merely meet up?
i dont really care if you're sorry about anything you said. you obviously meant it and it still haunts you. how can you possibly be happy with anything? especially with past events on your mind...

three hours later. i'm still completely dumbfounded. my bourbon is long gone. fuckitall. it probably isn't worth discussing anymore.

summertime sadness

im not quite sure what it is about summer. we all strive to finish our course work in the hopes that summer will be something of a celebration... a reprieve from due dates and timely obligations. why am i still doing this? im so tired of these due dates and the effort dedicated to academia. part of me wants to call it done. tried my best. what more could i have done. just mentally exhausted. another four weeks of this shit is agony. didn't i just graduate.

i finished a four year degree. four years more of homework than a majority of my peers. the thought of another three years pouring over books and notes. attending lectures. being places on time and late nights spent hunched over a desk on a mix of varying degrees of caffeine and skittles. i dont want any part of it. for fucks sake, i dont even want to leave my bed most days.

maybe i really ought to invest more time into my business to see what i can make of it. ill sleep on it, at the very least... though after the next three plus hours of homework. fuck.


on a slightly more positive note im going to do my best to lose as much weight as i possibly can this summer. we'll see what comes of this experiment, especially since day two has yet to draw to a complete close.

i said no to you.

...maybe i have a spine after all.

tired. so tired.

do you know how you know you can trust someone? when you can sleep with them. i dont mean fucking. actually sleeping. falling asleep in their presence. letting your guard down. being helplessly enthralled in slumber. unconscious. if you cant do this how can you possibly trust someone. maybe this has been my problem all along. i have nowhere to sleep. im just so tired. fucking tired. the kind of tired that is immune to water on your face or eye drops. a dragging kind of tired. exhaustion coursing through your veins. oozing out of your every pore. i need to sleep sometime. why not now.

ive got it all under control

...right?

twelve months.

i still:

feel incomplete.

feel wronged.

hate ford explorers.

hate valentines day.

follow everything.

cringe at your name.

I've made mistakes.
They keep me company.
Oh, man, what's up with me?
But I've changed, it's comforting.

i'm not even here

it felt as if i had no right to such happiness.

i had vanished completely.